TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from your Placing inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. Some of the finest. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But yes, certain, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he really should quit applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the venture, replied, "You recognize, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Great tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from House, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Perplexing Options


Perhaps the strangest element with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "When you Bomb It, They can Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is For good."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is now attracting consideration from international investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire a few penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even consist of:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort in which my PTSD can have flip-down services."


Yet another publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Trump Tower Damascus Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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